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July 5th, 2010
12:24 am - holiday
oh how you love this day. the colors, the bright bursts, the smell, the crackle and pops. this year i did my best to forget how you love these things. nothing wipes away those memories, and i don't know if i want them gone- but i want them to stop hurting. you don't feel the pain. you spent the night dancing with her, without a thought of me at all. i spent the night drinking a beer that i ordered before remembering that it was your favorite. you are everywhere. i don't know how to shake this other than moving on to someone else, but i want to be fully me before i get involved again.
i am forever the third or fifth wheel. it gets old. it gets painful. this is a position i am not familiar with.
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May 12th, 2010
02:44 am - late nights
happy birthday. you ruined mine, but i don't have the heart to even text you on yours. enjoy my kindness, you don't deserve it.
i'm sick. i had forgotten how pitiful i am when i really feel bad. i want nothing more that someone to hold me and watch movies with me. i don't need taken care of, i need held. i miss the warmth of a body that i love. the weight of someone near me. arms around me, hands on my head, fingers in my hair. it feels like an eternity since the last time. and it feels like i have many eternities to endure until the next time.
i have spent most of today in tears. randomly rolling down. it has just been a bad day. i feel broken and i know i'm falling, but i can't stop. i don't know when things get better and stay better, but i hope it is soon. my body doesn't seem to do well on this rollercoaster. i am so strong and intuitive for other people but when it comes to me, i am a wreck. i don't know how to do right by me sometimes. it just seems like i have been through so much over the last fifteen years of relationships that i deserve something more. i know i'm doing the right thing by being alone now, but i am tired of it. and i don't like where i am right now. i miss my career, i miss my house, i miss feeling successful. i really don't know how to get all that back.
i'm stuck and i need a plan.
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April 4th, 2010
02:02 am - goodnight moon
sometimes you just have days where things seem to make sense and everything is a little clearer. i am thankful for them. i have been focusing more on my relationship with God than with my difficult relationships with people. my tats have taken on some different meanings these days. forgive is not meant for one situation anymore- it is a call to forgive all. no one on this earth will be without disappointment in others. forgiveness is God's gift to all of us. if we can remember that human nature is to fail and hopefully to learn and grow from each failure, we can forgive and lead happier lives. Corrie Ten Boom said, "Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free, and to realize the prisoner was you."
Forgive: Colossians 3:13 (The Message) "So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as He forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it."
be free is not only a follow up to forgive, but it is also how life is meant to be lived. we rely on others for a lot of things, but happiness is not one of those things. others can enhance happiness, but you have to let them destroy happiness. things cause pain, but focus on the good. be free from blaming others for your happiness or lack thereof, be free from allowing yourself to rely on others for what you already have in abundance.
Be Free: Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message) "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me— watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
Loving a partner is an amazing addition to life, but it is only an addition- life is amazing without it.
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November 24th, 2009
09:29 pm - love lost
i'm not really sure how i missed this.
i am not stupid. i am not distant. i am not uncaring or unkind. i am unlucky, though.
i love her. i don't love her like a friend, not like a sister. i love her like a wife. this was a relationship that was as perfect as can be. we had problems, yes. but nothing that couldn't be worked through. and we were getting better. i was more open to sex. but she doesn't see that now. i was affectionate when i could be. it is more difficult that i thought it would be to be intimate when you are hiding from your closest friends and family. the closer i got to her family, the harder it was to be close to her. we spent so much time being friends that it was difficult to switch over. and i missed it so much. i looked forward to moving away with her- not to be away from her family, but to be far enough away that we could be a couple. i am not blaming, but i am being aware. and now, i am jealous. now that she isn't hiding so much, someone else gets the benefits. and she doesn't understand. i told her i would wait. she said we were forever.
she is losing someone that knows her inside and out. she is losing someone who cares enough to notice when the shampoo is low and go out and buy some. that remembers where everything is so she can leave for school quickly and without freaking out that she can't find her whatever. someone who stays awake when she is sick or hurting and makes sure that she is ok. like when she broke her wrist. i didn't sleep that night- i made sure she was comfortable and didn't turn over on her arm or anything. she is losing all the little things as well as the big things. love isn't sex. sex is a part of a relationship yes, but love is so much deeper and wider and more. she is losing an amazing love.
there is always an easy way, and a more difficult way. the easy way bring nothing of value and often costs way more that what is gained. she took the easy way and put me on a difficult path. i will be a better person for this, and she will realize the easy way only brought her pain. i wish her the best, but i have been there and i know how painful it is to get back to happy. it seems nice to be with someone who makes you forget what you are giving up. it is nice for someone to pay attention when you are hurting. but soon the novelty will pass, she will find someone new or you will realize just who she is.
we spent over three years building a strong life together. dreaming, doing, being. and now, what are we? you can't tell me what we have isn't good enough, strong enough, or wasn't worth fighting for. it is easy to make excuses and pick out reasons to say it is over. it makes everything go better in your mind. it still hurts, but it makes it hurt less.
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February 2nd, 2004
12:20 am - snow angel
It has snowed quite a bit in the past week. We have a clean five inch layer of powder over everything, except the roads. I had forgotten how much I love snow. I find myself on the porch, bundled up, looking at the landscape during the day... unless I am tromping through it with my dog, Sam.
Driving home today, I saw the most beautiful sunset. I was in Kentucky and I looked up to see a snow covered hill leading up to an orange-red sky. One horse was in silhouette atop the hill; he was standing next to a naked tree. My only wish was that I could share it with someone. Sam was not interested and no one else was around.
"Lesbianism is the one issue that deals with women reacting positively to other women. All other issues deal with men and the society they have built to contain us. The real questions are: Why are women afraid of one another? Why does the straight woman throttle the lesbian? Why do women keep insisting this is a bedroom issue and not a political issue, when in fact, this issue is at the bottom of our self-image? If we cannot look at another woman and see a human being worth making a total commitment to-politically, emotionally, physically- then where the hell are we?"
-Rita Mae Brown, "Take a Lesbian to Lunch"
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